Magic, the Gathering. Err....Um.......WPBT, the Gathering.
(RADIO EDIT: I added fucking links. And it fucking sucks. And it fucking takes forever. Show the love my friends. Say hello. Tell me you got them. Because they took for FUCKING EVER).
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Thursday was flight day. Which meant pack day. Which meant kiss the lil 'uns on the forehead and get the fuck lost for a long weekend. A little grabass with the wife was all I needed before setting my sites on a lost day of work, trying desperately to figure out where the hell I was going, when the hell I was going, etc etc.
But it's always a game of numbers, isn't it?
How about the number zero. As in the number of pairs of underwear I packed. Dillards by the airport is a lifesaver. You got the husky size?
Or how about 6. As in the number of fifties the bankteller tried to give me. I explained to her I was going to Vegas and she immediately said "Oh, those are bad luck". I found my geriatric soulmate and immediately referenced the Dec 2007 archives of Tao of Poker. Soulmate asked me to leave and gave me the grand in hundys instead.
Or how about 8. You know, the number of minutes I spent packing. GH Bass bag, red, packed to the gills. Strong. Very strong.
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I watched a rerun of The Office on the flight. Twice.
I didn't have wifi as an option. Eat my balls Continental. But thanks for the bourbon. Ah, the sweet lovely bourbon. "Would you like a coke or club soda with it?" "Naw, just give me a paper bag and a sob story."
Touchdown it is.
Cab driver was Pakistani.
Should I tell him my step great-grandmother was Indian? Which practically makes me Punjabi? Confer with the missing Bracelet on that one for confirmation.
Oh wait, he's part Jamaican.....
I had to make the snap call..... No way I would tell him. No way, no how. The last thing I need is to have to stand up and Represent in a cricket challenge down the middle of Flamingo Road at 9:30 in the PM.
In December.
And with Rodeo clowns watching.
Besides, I didn't want to mess up my golf swing for Friday.
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Arrival at the IP was nonchalant. Fatal mistake by jjok. I tipped the desk clerk AFTER my room assignment. Rookies make mistakes like these in all the excitement. FAIL. $20 got me the basic room I had all along, but a nice smile. That's right, I bought a smile.
I checked out the room and dropped the bag. A bit musty for my liking but I can lay down my hat here.
Take a shower, clean yourself good from the 4 hour flight. Time to accumulate that Vegas filth on a clean slate if you will. We're all just a canvas. My canvas filled quickly with endless drags on Marlboro Lights and Coronas with practically unsqueezable December limes.
That's right folks, it's time to Geisha.
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Found my spot. Met the Wife, reconnected with the JewAsian, met Mattazuma and reminded him that endless Corona's meant a Montezuma come morning. BOOOOOOM. I defer that one to Derek.....pleasure to meet you sir.
Wonderful convos with great folk.
Hey Peaker, how's the kiddos? You having fun with the twin girls? My sponsorship with Hasbro comes up this spring. I hear they are looking for a new spokesman. Welcome to pink hell.
Oh captain my captain! Finally to meet you.....wow!
Ever met Betty Underground? You should. I hereby declare a liking for ink on women, even in it's extreme. It goes against my Catholic ways I guess.....I defer to Vatican 2. But that's a good thing.
Hawt, oh so hawt.
Moving on.....
Hey, whaddya know? It's Astin! One of the 3 people I've actually met more than once before on this trip..... newbieIsme.
Finally met the one and only Dr Pauly. I told him I was jjok.
He said "Hey! It's Jacks!"
What a fucking amateur.
"Oh, wait, I meant JJ!"
That's better. ;)
April went Johnny Cash, and did it well.....very well.
Even saw Joe Joe again. He seemed taller. And hairier.
Bunch of convos
Absorption rates at these gatherings are not good. You meet so much, you hear so much, you see so much. I asked Mattazuma 3 times where he was from. And twice if he was married.
So it took me about a sixer of Corona's to realize I had to scatter for a bit.
Blackjack at the IP......3AM......solo.
Ran 2 bills to 5, then gave back 2 and a half before walking.
I asked what my rakeback was and floor gave me a stare.
It was almost like the one Full Tilt gave to folks who signed up in 2005.
No 27% for you. Have you tried our new super turbos? Thanks for playing.
Back to the Geisha.
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Whaddya know.....it's Iggy and Al at 5 in the morning. Joined by Kate.
Endless talks, fun talks, double down the Corona's.
The fuck time is it? Is there a clock around here somewhere? hehe
8AM.
Time to go to sleep......I have golf in the morning......er, wait.
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Somehow I managed to wake myself at 9 something giving me a solid hour of sleep. A quick shower. I jumped out 6 minutes later to a ringing hotel phone.
The Bammer was calling. What a great guy......
My ride was waiting.....and apparently waiting and waiting and waiting some more.
F-Train is a rockstar, nuff said.
Throw on the khaki's, put on the sweater. Shit, no collar. Take sweater off and put on button down. Throw the sweater back on over the top. Jacket. Cubs hat next. 3 quick sprays of Axe for the ladies. Grab the shoes and the dozen overpriced golf balls.
And.....we're off. I think we bottomed out the Train's Camry at least 3 times. I would blame BamBam's darlin wife Pebbles.....but she had short hair. No way was it her. Ah, the short hair. I find it more and more beautiful whenever I plunge my bathroom sink......compliments of jjok's (link the shit outta yerself) beautiful wife with unbelievably sexy dark thick hair.
I digress.
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Golfing was great. I forgot that Vegas is dry. It's like the antithesis of Houston's 100% humidity. I remembered this when my lips cracked on hole number 3.....the tricky little par 3. I used a 7 iron. The way I hit it, i could have pulled out the driver with the same success.
Awful pin placements. I mean just awful. Throughout the entire 18.
Yet my team was solid. The Bammer, CK, and Drizz. We clicked, just at the wrong times it seemed. We were scrambling alot, but did well enough to card a minus in the end. I mean, seriously, that's about the best you can do with the winds blowing and the hands freezing.
Hell, even the Minnesotan had to buy a windbreaker at the turn.
Somewhere along the way, I opted for a bourbon and a smile. Ah, the sweet lovely bourbon. Oh, and a hammy sammich. First meal in Vegas compliments of Las Vegas National. Took me 24 hours to eat something, you wouldn't know it judging by my 38 waisted khakis. Like my sweater? It's Abercrombie, and an XL. Yeah, 1 meal a day does that to you.....proof positive was Saturday morning, but I'll talk about that in a few.
I got back to my room at 5-5:30 hoping to land some foodstuffs and a cleanup. I grabbed a burger and took a quick shower. Call from work. Emergency. Got off the phone at 8PM.
Zonked out.
Woke up at 3AM. Embarrassing to say that. The MGM was history at that point. Fucking amateur.
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I played more blackjack. Gave IP 3 bills in 4 hours.
I've done hand history's in poker countless amounts of times on these here BROG......so let's get 8th level BJ on this shiznit.
25$ bet.
6hearts, 6spades.
Dealer shows 6 up.
Split.
Hit 6.
Split again.
Hit 4, double down
Nail a queen.
Double down hand 2.
Nail a king.
Rock and roll.
Hand 3 hits a king too for 16.
20, 20, 16.
$125.
Dealer flips 5
Dealer dealt ten.
21.
Buhbye 125! Full Tilt RNG in the works here folks. No doubt about it.
Cocktails!
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I find my twittering box out of my now empty pocket. Some call it an iphone. I call it my hand extension.
I digress.
I meet Astin, Ed, captain, the Lightning Rod, and ever wonderful Kat at the Bellagio Buffet.
Which leads me to my one tip of advice for Vegas-goers and meal lacking folk. If you are to eat but one meal a day in Vegas.....make it the Buffet at Bellagio.
Just trust me on this. I stocked up the red meats harder than a coyote on a West Texas plain. It was there, I destroyed it. Prime Rib twice, and 2 fists worth of beef tenderloin. Smothered in horseradish to boot.
Top it off with some sausage and fresh bacon.
Compliments of an Astin-paid tab. Thank you sir!
Lightning talks of his daughter going to my alma mater. Gigem lightning.......I welcome her to our little cult in Bryan/College Station.
Off to Caesar's to tourney the shit out of tourneys. Oh yeah, this is the second tourney I've ever played in a casino......ever.
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AQ in the mp. Raise. Pebbles calls from the blinds.
9 high flop.
Pot. She flats.
Turn is a 7 I think.
POT. She debates and flats.
River is x.
I have ace high. READ: I have dick.
She checks, I pot.
She mulls and mulls and mulls some more.
She mucks.
Pocket 8's for her.
I've got a semi-stack.
Maudie sits down to my right.
She open raises from the button.
I take a peeksie.
HAMMER!
Jam.
Not an instacall from her....but she had Big Slick.
RACE TIME!
I look stooooopid.
I survived an hour longer somehow and busted in the 20's.
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My bud Chad convinced me to hit the Venetian daily at 7PM. I guess his 2/5 table at Caesars was dead. I was happy to oblige.
LJ, Bayne, and Schaubs in tow also. Schaubs went with a hockey jersey. Bayne went with the chicken wing stains.
Amateurs.
90 runners in total. Decent little prize pool for a Benjamin tourney. 3rd tourney I've ever played in a casino.
I tripled on the first hand with pocket queens. The bitches sexed me up on the river with a 2 outter against 2 dudes that shouldn't have been in the hand after the flop......one of them was Mongolian. He gave great stir fry advice before exiting stage left. I'm not joking......
I lasted until 14th with 10 paying. I doubled through LJ who tilted the chipleading Brit with surprisingly decent teeth. Too bad he wore a pastel sweater, otherwise I wouldn't have known he was a Brit. I offered him a lime from my Corona. He didn't get the joke.
I digress.
14 left. In the sb. Button is short and open pushes.
I've got AJ of hearts. Blinds at 2K/4K. I've got 35K. He jammed for 28 total.
Instacall.
I can hear Hoy screaming at me. No, not the fake Hoy who supposedly (and cryptically) said he was in Vegas.
BB folds.....heads up.
J6 off.
DOMINATED!
River is a 6.
Fuck me with a football on a Saturday night in the desert of sin and debauchery.
I blind jam from the button next hand.
I had 23 hearts.
He had A2 off.
DOMINATED!
3 on the river....... it was a club.
The fourth club on the board in fact.
Yes that 2 of clubs plays!
Shake the hands and I'm off to rant to Waffles of all people. Yes, Waffles. I ranted to Waffles. It's like I was in Bizarro world or something. He welcomed me to his little club.
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I watched Smokkee's Venetian 1/2 stack bubble up and up. Well done sir.
Back to the IP.
Drink and drink and drink some more. Talk away to Waffles and Tina (smokkee's smoking wife. I mean this gal has got it going on). Tweeting and texting Smokkee. He wants Tina to go home(can you blame him?). I told him to stack another tourist for us.
Chad and Smokkee show up at IP. First time Chad has ever been there. That's shocking to me. He didn't even know where the hell it was when we left Caesar's.....um, bub, it's right there across the strip.....it's blue.
Beyonce dances. Chad admires. As did I.
Then Michael Jackson sings.
I asked Chad if he wanted to play blackjack at Michael Jackson's table. I hear he's a good dealer.
Chad deadpans "I bet the cards smell like little boys' junk".
I guiltily laugh.
Smokkee keeps laughing at me. "Jack six off! Jack six off!"
Yeah, yeah, fuck off.
More talks with Iggy and now Bloody P!!! The P! Great to meet you sir.....
Al gets pissed that I yelled at the waitress. He was right to be mad. I tipped her a crisp Jackson for dickheadness. Other bartender gives me Corona's for free the rest of the night. Thank you sir!
5AM hits. Haven't eaten since Bellagio.
Burger time once again.
Asian hooker asks if I have a date. Tough night for her it seems.
I wolf down half the burger, a small handful of fries and pass out sideways on the bed. Still had 1 sock on. The left one.
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Wake up late at 9:30.
FUCK! I CAN'T BET!!!! GD GD GD GD.
I call and call and call waffles some more to place moneys on the Bengals. I want those 6.5 points baaaaaad.
No answer......
If it were Yahoo Messenger, he would have replied 17 times in 2 minutes.
Oh well, I shower and pack. Check out and hand my bag to the clerk with a 5-spot (it's how I roll). He thanked me and off I went to Lagasse.
Beautiful room. Stupendous (I hate that word but it fits). No betting for me.
Hungover. Tired. But happy.
Waitress hands me a menu. I refuse.
"What's good here?" "Get the French Dip"
French Dip it is.
Good call by the waitress. I slipped her a 20.
We talked for a bit. The staff going to a strip club after their shift.
Chicks going to a strip club.
Nice.
I bid some more outside time to burn a few. Derek and Iggy convos. Always entertaining. ALWAYS.
I watch the end of first set of games.
Time to go.
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Say my goodbyes and walk back to IP.
Waitress says goodbye. Tells me the strip club they were going to tonight. Hmmmmmmm.
Tip the guy 3$ on the flipside of bag patrol. He seemed happy.
Take a cab back to the airport.
Cab driver is Indian.
Should I tell him my Great uncle in law is Pakistani?
This has already been thought out.
In reverse.
No, no, and hell no.
Give the guy a fat tip and walk to United.
Bum through security and wait to load up.
First class on the flip side too.
Connection in Denver.
Nice.
Guy next to me watches Good Luck Chuck on his Macbook Pro.
Dane Cook slams lots of women in that one......T&A abound. I admire from the corner of my eye. Old couple behind find it offensive.
They're old.
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Flight arrives in Houston.
55 minute drive and I'm home.
Drop the kids off at the pool.......remembering the Bellagio Red Meat Fest the whole time.
Pass out in my bed.
With one sock on. This time the right.
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Awoken at 6:45 the next morning. 3 smiling little girls jumping on top of me.
Great to be home.
To all the brethren that make up the WPBT. I thank you all. I thank you all for giving me the ability to degenerate myself for a happy long weekend. I had a great time. I truly did.
And to those who couldn't make it.
Eat it.
Especially the Goat....FYI. (inside joke)
posted by jjok @ 8:43 PM
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